The above is a question I’ve been asking myself a lot lately. It seems as if I’m at the beginning of several new journeys and, as usual, I don’t know where to go or even where to start. This isn’t unusual, but I’m at the point of my life where it’s getting harder and harder to start again.

In less than ten weeks, I will be married. This is starting to get scary, but not in a logistical, party-planning way. It’s so easy to get caught up in all the wedding hype and trials and tribulations and expectations of being a bride, but no one, including myself, has ever stopped and talked to me about what it means to be  a wife.

I’ve always wanted to be married – to spend my life with a companion in a relationship filled with love, joy, support and new experiences. But being a wife is a new level of responsibility, and I’m not quite sure what the job actually entails yet. I mean, we’ve been together for five years, conducted a relationship from two countries, and live together, so it won’t be that different, right? It all feels a bit odd. This is me finally being dragged, kicking and screaming (of my own volition, mind) into adulthood. Or we could still be the two massive kids we are, giggling on the couch whilst watching Star Trek: The Next Generation, albeit with the same name and a bit of extra bling. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

I finished up with my job on Friday. I’m taking some time off to assess my options. I have been for five job interviews and have not received a single offer. This has NEVER happened to me before. It’s a tough market out there. And I don’t know where to go. I seem to be stuck at a weird skill level – too high for entry-level but too low for managerial. I’ve decided to just do some temporary work to see what my options are. There are no jobs that have really engaged me, and I’m tired of playing the corporate game sometimes. An idea popped into my head recently – establishing myself as a freelance copy writer/editor, and setting up my own business. This strikes me as both an excellent and terrible idea of the highest order. I could do this part time, after work, and it’s what I enjoy doing and am good at (more editing than the writing). And down the line when I start a family it’s something I could do at home. But I know nothing about running my own business, and I’ve done very little professional copy writing. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing!

My writing has been slow, and unfortunately my free time this week has been impinged upon by food poisoning. I am hoping to schedule in a morning routine that will put in some dedicated writing time, and maybe I’ll be able to surgically remove that zombie story I threatened to do for NaNoWriMo.

 I’m also hoping to get some more walking in as the temperatures drop – nothing I love more than going out in an icy winter dawn. I bought some peacock feathers to make a fascinator for my wedding, and I bought some fun temporary hair colour. It’s been constant upheaval this year but, really, it’s all okay (apart from the food poisoning). I’m not starving, I still have my two boys, and I’m lucky that I have time to take a break and consider my choices. The uncertainty is sometimes hard to cope with, but I’m one of those people who thrives on spontaneity and change. Or at least I used to be.

Well, everything will be easier once I get this damned wedding out of the way.

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